i, shatter

god willing, i'm not

i'm going to pulau seribu.

i think i'm going to die.

i hate waters, and boats, and stupid little (sea)men

pointing ahead like statues

of independence war heroes

screaming 'god willing!'

one grey rainy day

i went with these little (sea)men

then the rain turned to squalls

then what looked to me like a cyclone

it rained sideways

it rained trucks

but still the little (sea)men

pointed their index fingers ahead and

'god willing!'

'i see land!'

(please, the only land i'm thinking of now

is the one we left

an hour ago,

can't we just go back?)

so they ran their index fingers

across the sky

and down

into me:

'god willing!'

'we'll take you there!'

but don't get me wrong

i like nature

that's why i nearly drowned once

new year's eve 1993

bondi beach

i wished i could've just stayed floating

in the warm seawater all night

that night

like a forgotten lifebuoy

instead of standing with a wet towel on my neck

at the abandoned bus stop

watching girls kissing

strangers and feeling

so estranged. so strange

to be around fun and not feeling any of it.

that was after a rip

pulled the sand from under my feet

and the bondi hotel

my chosen landmark for its venetian

ugliness

away way to the right

and i tiptoed

in mid-air

under water

'god damn!'

lucky

my uncle had once told me

swim sideways

don't try to get back to the safety of the land

god favours the sea

over you.

wait for the right current

and ride it

let it

save you.

so i did.

and i was saved

and let go

to enjoy

soggy fish & chips

which i left

half-eaten

on the concrete fence where i sat

looking at the spot

where i almost died.

hey,

i even went to the outback

one winter

the cold red earth burned the soles of my feet in the morning

and you could never take a dump in peace

but i remember one afternoon

when i sat alone

next to a river where we'd set up camp

next to the tripod

and last night's dinner

hanging off it

everyone else had gone for a walk

so there was just me

sitting there

still

the only thing moving was the brown water

like a great, slow, giant, snake.

just i, alone.

suddenly i saw the point

of dot paintings

realism has no place

in a landscape

so unreal as this.

silence buzzed.

the sky screamed.

so blue!

the green gum leaves

blew blue smoke

like a protection spell

around the land.

and i quote:

15 July 2003 - Fourth day

'The fences ran through the land like arteries. They're signs of man, of life unwanted by the land. Like human arteries, do they give life or feed off it? Barbed wire fence, electric fence, thin garroting metallic fence: seeing them makes me nervous."

see?

it's man that makes me

nervous.

god

posted by lo! @ 9:01 AM